More than... words?

There comes a time when you fight and hope as hard as you can, and it just isn't enough..

I found out on Tuesday evening; My Mom has fallen out of remission and the cancer is back. While on a topical level it doesn't seem that bad (this time it's surgery, rather than chemo and radiation), it seems to hurt more deeply than it did before. Surgery this Saturday.. they're removing what appears to be a small tumor, and the lymph nodes near her neck as a preventative measure going forward.

In true "Mom" fashion, I didn't even find out the date for her surgery until my sister contacted me just a few hours ago. I'm absolutely positive I have a voicemail on my home line, but after hearing the news from my sister I know I'm not strong enough at the moment to hear her say it, even digitally.

The better half of 2008, into 2009 are reflected in my own mind as the toughest of my life. Back in my MySpace days, I posted a blog with nearly the perfect sentiment on the condition, which I deleted (on purpose) the day her PET scan came back cancer free. It was filled with lamentations on my feelings for her... for Mom's in general.. and how empty and sad I felt at the time.

Regardless of all that, the end of this will be the same. I pray that this time it'll be OK. I wish deep in my soul that I could take this from her. I would gladly fight that fight... lift that weight, and carry her across the line if I could. Unfortunately, I can't. What I can do is think as positively as I can.. BE as positive as I can be, and hope that my interminable desire for her to be around for as long as she can transfers to every last fiber of her being.

I love you, Mom. You're who I am today, who I was yesterday, and present with every waking thought and decision I'm blessed to have on a minute-to-minute basis.

I'd love for you to stick around a while. We're not done... Not by a long shot.

Remember your Moms today. If they're around, call them. Hug them. Love them. You really never know when they'll be gone for good. If not, remember and embrace the love you have for them, and thank them in your own special way for making you who you are today.


In love,
-Chris